Friday Feels: Leaving Indiana

This is my most personal post to date.

Today is my last day in Indiana. My husband and I have been here for a little over a month. I am feeling all the feels about leaving.

At the end of June, my husband, older sister and I decided to drive from New York City to Indiana to spend some time with my family and get a little more space than we have in the city. My parents, little sister, and grandpa were already here. Knowing that my little sister was moving to the other side of the country and my grandpa’s just getting older, we decided to make the 12 hour drive.

Being here has been a mix of emotions. There has been happiness, anxiety, sadness, and content.

Happiness

Indiana has always been my home. I was born and raised here. I went to college and grew up so much in this state. I am a hoosier from the bottom of my heart. Coming back to Indiana always gives me a feeling of happiness but mixed with other emotions because I hated living here for so many years. I was a brown girl living in a town filled with white, blonde haired, blue eyed kids. I never once saw myself represented. But when I come back, I reflect on my childhood and how many opportunities I had because of living in this small town. It makes me feel thankful. Because I grew up in Indiana, I was able to go to a great state college. Because I grew up in Indiana, I try to see the best in people. Because I grew up in Indiana, I am who I am.

Anxiety

I am an anxious person. I can usually keep it together and that’s because my husband is the most logical person in the world and helps remind me that there are reasons for why I feel anxious. Being in Indiana, brought up some anxieties. We are living in the time of a pandemic. I don’t know when I will be back here. I had to say good-bye to my little sister as she moved to Seattle which is on the other side of the country. I don’t know when I will see her next. Leaving means saying good-bye to my parents and grandpa. I don’t know when I will see them again.

Sadness

While being in Indiana, I stayed at my grandpa’s house. He now lives with my parents. He was diagnosed with Dementia last year and this year it has gotten to the point where he needs care and to be with people rather than living alone. My mom asked me to help her clean out his house. I was okay doing this until I thought about all of his little treasures. My grandpa said just donate them. These treasures were once special to him and my grandmother when she was alive. It’s sad to think about how as you get older, you can’t hold on to everything that once made you happy.

It’s also extremely sad to see a loved one change from Dementia. My grandpa has always been the most easy-going, patient guy. While being here, my grandpa yelled at me. He has never once done that before. ever. He got upset and screamed. It was definitely scary. But it made me sad. Dementia means that your brain is declining. My grandpa’s brain which made him so calm and patient is changing and it creates outbursts where he yells. It’s incredibly sad to see someone who you’ve always seen as one way, show themselves in a different light. On top of that, we are human. It’s hard to remember that that isn’t actually him. It’s the result of Dementia.

Content

As I am writing this blog post and reflecting on my time here, I am content that I came here. I got to spend lots of time with family. I got to show my husband my hometown and teach him how to drive. I got to see my dog fall in love with my family. I got to learn about my grandpa’s life. Now, as we are packing up and getting ready to head back to New York City, I am excited. I feel refreshed and ready to get back to city quarantine life.

Being home will forever give me a mix of emotions. The happiness from spending time with my family to the sadness of memories past. Indiana will always hold a special place in my heart.

As for you my blog friends, I will catch up with you once I am back in the city!

NYC, here we come! I missed you and can’t wait to be home ❤

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